HOPE...

"We have this HOPE as an ANCHOR for the soul..." Hebrew 6:19 This verse has been familiar to me in the past, but has become very real, needed, and implied in my life in the past few weeks as well as "Those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength; They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:31  

It has been very apparent to me as we have walked some really hard roads the past several weeks that The Lord is always present, even when you are empty and lonely. The Lord is your source of strength when you feel as though you have none. The Lord is the only thing that holds you together when you feel like you have no hope. And The Lord is close to those who are hurting, tired, in pain, and sad. Where you go when you don't know the ONE who gives Hope and holds the future, I don't know. I am thankful I do know Him and have not had to walk alone over these past few weeks. It is a feeling I cant explain that at my darkest hour, in my greatest amount of pain, I still feel His presence and sense of peace. The peace doesn't minimize my pain, sadness, confusion and hurt, but there is an underlying peace that fills me and gives me a sense of, Hope. No surprise there if you believe the scriptures! Even in my anger, which I know is an emotion the Lord allows me to feel, I can tell He is present and reminding me I always have a choice to not sin in that anger and a choice to believe He is still Sovereign. "Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
As it is no secret to anyone that knows our family, we have wanted another baby for many years. We have been trying for the past 3 years to add to our little family and our girls have been praying fervently, like literally every.single.night for 2 years for a baby brother (on their own, never a thought or prayer we implied outwardly to them!) We have prayed for God to lead us in this plan for our lives and have held onto the HOPE that He alone can provide another child or children to our family if that is His will. We have discussed adoption and have been open to His leading us in that plan as well.
And because this blog is for my children, something they will have to look back on and a way we keep track of the way we do life, I want to record our past couple of weeks on here as a way to teach and guide them and encourage them in their faith for when their life is messy and hard. Because that is something we can be certain of, that life is messy, hard, hurtful, confusing, joyful, beautiful, exciting, and hopeful. And something we have realized, as we have only shared a small amount of our reality with them recently, is that we can not protect them or keep them innocent from the fact that we live in a fallen world. There is nothing perfect about this world and we have realized, as much as I, esp their mommy, want to shelter and protect their little hearts and make them think they live in this perfectly safe and happy bubble of a life, that the sooner they know that life is hard and not always perfect, the sooner they will (hopefully) realize they need Jesus. "He has come to give us life, and life to the full..." and without Him, life is the exact opposite of full.

On December 14, 2013, we found out after 3 long years, we were pregnant! We were in shock and all I could do was cry...tears of relief, tears of JOY, tears of a reality I had hoped for for so long, and finally tears of excitement as I thought I would finally get to tell and show my girls how Faithful the Lord is, that He heard their prayers and answered them. "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful" Hebrews 10:23. But after deciding to withhold the exciting news from them for what would have been and AMAZING Christmas gift (as Hailee has asked Santa 2 years in a row for a baby) due to not being able to yet see a heartbeat on an early ul/s, (that also showed us there was possibly another sac that had formed but was already disintegrating), (yes, I have prayed for twins before and yes she said it could have been a "bleed"  or "another sac" but I felt certain it was a twin), we shared the joy with a few close friends and some family and waited 3 long weeks for our next ul/s that was going to give us all the news we had hoped for! (I think that was an extremely long run-on sentence that my mom will cringe over!)  However when we went on Jan. 9, 2014, we saw clearly on the ul/s that the baby had not formed properly and there was no heartbeat. I laid there on the table completely speechless, and as Brian reached over and touched my arm, all I could think and feel was "Who are we?!?" We cant be those people who lose their baby. We havent ever had a miscarriage, how could this happen to US? We are the couple who just cant get pregnant, not the couple who could finally conceive and then lose the baby?! Is this really happening? Is the screen really that empty and dark? But as the weeks have gone by, I know one thing...we serve and worship a God who has held us as we cried, given us Hope when we had none, and showed Himself faithful to us in so many ways throughout this process. I'll spare you the details but after waiting 2 weeks to naturally miscarry, my doctor scheduled a D&C for 5:30 on Jan 23. From 11-2:30pm on Jan. 23, I was in so much pain and discomfort that I had Brian take me to the ER at the hospital where they were expecting me later that day. I have gone through 2 labors, and I had never felt something as awful as I was feeling. They confirmed my body had begun to naturally take care of things about the time I was being admitted, they helped my body complete that process, and another ul/s confirmed that no D&C was necessary. I was so thankful for that as I am not a good surgery patient! So they sent me home that night and I had the weekend to rest and start to recover physically. The girls only knew mommy's belly was hurting for about 3-4 days and then she had to go to the hospital because it was still hurting a lot and they gave her medicine to make her feel better and sent me home.

During those 2 weeks of "waiting," I grieved, a lot. I wrestled with the Lord with a lot of questions and cried out tears of anger and sadness. However, there was a lot else going on in our family's life that I was quite distracted from my own personal situation. Our girls learned that a cousin they so desperately wanted and already loved was being handed back to the DSS system after her dad was released from prison and wanted custody back of his daughter that my SIL and BIL had full custody rights to for over a month. This sweet girl became a part of our family overnight and a part of our hearts forever. My girls are familiar with adoption as their aunt has graciously explained that to them before and they have been praying for Aunt Lulu and Uncle David to get a new child for a long time now. But nonetheless, it was heartbreaking to tell them this sweet girl was no longer going to be a part of our family, nor at the family dinner we were heading to that night I told them. There were tears and questions but seeing that Aunt Lulu and Uncle David were going to be OK because of their unswerving faith in the Lord and Hope they have for His plan to be better than what we know or understand, they soon felt a peace in their hearts about it. We also had my brother living with us for a few months and it had finally become a routine we were all used to when he suddenly had to leave. We had to give them a "sugar coated" story like we did with mommy's belly pain as to why Uncle wouldn't be living here anymore, and there were tears for that. It has been a confusing time for them with those other things going on and we just knew that due to the deep desire they have, and I mean DEEP, as in, they talk, play, imagine, buy for, and plan ALL things for BABY (brother, esp) that will hopefully someday join our family, we couldn't tell them about the baby we had all hoped so long for. No joke, we have about 3 outfits and a lovie that has already been purchased for this baby brother that they are so deeply passionate about having (sometimes a mama just has to give into the precious and innocence of their hearts!)
So, that sums up the past month of our lives and to say it's been the hardest thing I've ever endured (all of it combined) is so very true. I have been blessed with the most amazing support group of friends and family that have loved on me/us and reminded us that the body of Christ is real with hope and encouragement. We know if we press into Him, He will reveal Himself to us in ways we never knew. I know He has a Hope and a Future for us if we follow Him, even if it's not on this side of heaven. I know He holds my future and gives me Hope and on days when I feel like I have none. I have felt shaken to my core and feel as though my faith has been tested, and I KNOW, that on my own, I would have no Hope, but He is the ANCHOR of my soul and the source of where my Hope comes from that has kept me together. I know there will be so many days ahead that are filled with lots of emotions, but I also know that this life on earth is here for but a moment, and I am promised a day where there will be no more sadness, pain, and loss...only Joy, Healing, and a chance to hold that sweet baby I longed so desperately for but never got to know. And that, is what I HOPE for.